Hey Jenn!! Miss you more than ever today. My heart aches. I want to hear your voice, smell your smell, see your smile... anything!! I know you are in heaven but I just wish you could be here sometimes. I know you are with us everyday and protecting us all but I mean completely here!! We had another family gathering as you know we always do.. and as I sat there watching everyone and listening... I was thinking about all that has happened lately and you know what I am talking about.. and I just wondered how anyone in this family could be so blind as to not realize how lucky they are to have their siblings here with them. There were so many at the gathering young and old that had their brother and\or sister in the same yard with them ... but they all were just bickering or talking about one another behind their back... carrying on and not having a clue what it feels like to not be able to see, hear or touch their sibling. People sneaking around badmouthing the other... I just wanted to scream... give them one ounce of my heartache and let them realize that these times are precious, and once you lose a sibling, you dont get to make more memories... you only get to live with the ones you have!! which are not nearly enough to last a lifetime! Maybe I was just more touchy than usual because of your, mine, and mom's bday this month or maybe it is just getting to be that time of year again... thanksgiving and xmas will be here soon... I dont know. I know you understand what I am saying. we used to talk about how crazy our family was before... I know you were just sitting up there laughing your butt off cause you did not have to be there... Anyway Jenn, I love you and miss you every minute of everyday and would give anything to have ONE MORE DAY!!!! Sometimes at night I wake up and I swear you are in my room, maybe you are, maybe it is just me hoping, but whatever it may be... it is nice... if at least for a moment!! I love you sis!!
Your birthday will always be a day we take a little special time to remember your life here. I know your life goes on in heaven and its more than I can imagine, but here we have only the memories and the love in our hearts that we shared. I know the angels danced today all around you and it was a beautiful day there. I wish I could have been with you too. We all miss you so much! HAPPY BIRTHDAY sweetie. Always we will think of you, we will love you forever.
"will I ever run out of tears?" / Josie Hester (mom)Read >>
"will I ever run out of tears?" / Josie Hester (mom)
My daughter, she is the sunshine in my days, the star shining down in my night, the love of my child will forever remain in my daily life. How do I go on? My heart aches with grief that is relentless. I dont know how long my life will be, I just know everyday I have here til eternity will be incomplete. Jennifer was such a sweet, wonderful person, an Angel while she was here, and God took her home. Jennifer was the kind of person everyone should have in their life. She was truly amazing. I have heard of other young lives that were lost and how the parents wanted people to know just how truly wonderful of a person the world had lost. That too is how I feel. Jennifer had such a giving nature, she never judged anyone, she loved her friends and family, and even the passerby. Jennifer was funny and love to laugh, she was musical and love to sing, from the time she was talking, she was singing. She had a beautiful voice. She had a real passion for it. She also loved the elderly. Jennifer loved her Grandpa! One of her favorite songs to sing was "Grandpa" by the Judds. She sing it to her grandpa many times. Jennifer worked in a nursing home for a while as a nurse's aid while she went to Nursing school. She loved taking care of them because many did not have family that was around and she would pamper them , she would talk to them and visit with them, and even sing to them. Jennifer knew that loving them was all they wanted, someone to just give them a few minutes of notice, a hug or a smile. Jennifer went from there to working in the Emergency room at the local hospital , and she loved the fulfillment she got from helping others. Upon graduation, she went to work in the Cardivascular Intensive Care Unit at a hospital in Tyler, Tx. She was so excited about it. I remember her calling me after a day or two of working there and she was so eager to be the best nurse she could be. She was not yet tending patients, awaiting her license, but so anxious to help others. Jennifer was also all about being a perfect Mom to her little boy. She adored him. She spent as much time as she could loving him. Once I visited her at her apartment, and as the "mother I was", I said something about her cleaning her apartment (which wasnt really dirty) just needed a little pickin up.....and she told me that spending her time loving and playing with her son was much more important than cleaning. Thats the kind of Mom she was, she didnt mind the little messes he made, she didnt mind the spills or the "accidents"....she knew all that was very little, what was very big to her was the time to love him, to Hug him, to let him grow, to encourage his self-confidence, to look at things thru his eyes. She was so very proud of him. She always told everyone about him. She always disciplined him with a loving firmness. In every way she always tried to make him feel very loved. As a mother , she was the best in the world, as a daughter she was perfect in every way. She was God's gift to many! Even today she still touches our lives and many others too. This site has had THOUSANDS of visits and I know every single visit is touched by her love. JENNIFER, she is so missed by all of us , her family, her friends, her little boy. JENNIFER made such an impact on so many lives, and still we feel her life here was way too short. WE WILL FOREVER MISS HER! Jennifer has been in heaven for 2-1/2 years, it sometimes feels like a VERY long time, because we miss her so much, other times the pain is so fresh it feels as tho it was moments ago that her life here ended. Friends ask us how are we doing? And most of the time I just respond, that we are ok. But losing Jennifer is nothing we will ever get over, we struggle with moments each and every day, OK? I dont know that we will ever be ok again, we grasp for ways to just cope with everyday, somedays are lots harder than others, I dont know how many tears that a human can cry in a lifetime cause mine still flow every single day. Sometimes I have thought "will I ever run out of tears?" probably not, I love her so!!!
God Bless You All / Leslie (None)
I am so sorry the loss of your beautiful daughter. May God bless you and your family May God bless her little boy. How is he doing with all of this? I pray that god will heal all of your hearts. I know it's not easy losing a loved one. My Grandpa died 2 almost 3 years ago. I know it was not easy creating this as well. Please feel free to visit my grandpa's website. God Bless You All.
a Mother's day without a child, a Mother's day without a mommy / Josie Hester (mom)Read >>
a Mother's day without a child, a Mother's day without a mommy / Josie Hester (mom)
I wanted to say I have very mixed feelings about Mother's Day, the pain is undescribable....for me Mother's Day is a very sad day. Not as much for my loss but knowing Mason will never have his mommy to give a card to, a hug to, or to tell her how much he loves her. At school , Mother's Day is more than one day, it is several days of planning and making a little gift and a card just for mom. My heart aches for Mason more during this time than any other, cause I know he feels her absense more at this time. This year his little gift he gave to me, his Nana, and I just cried, he didnt quite know what to do, he could see my tears cause it is more difficult to hide the pain now. He hugged me and I told him I loved him so much! I thanked him for the little gift that means the world to me but I know inside it is so meant for his mommy...and my heart aches for him. I know Jennifer cant ever be replaced and I can never feel the void Mason has, sometimes it is very hard to look into Mason's eyes, he has his Mommy"s eyes and I see her and I see a little boy that misses her. I am so grateful for the life I had with you, Jennifer... I ll always love you and I'll aways miss you, I know you hold Mason's hand and guide him with your eternal love , I know you are telling God all about him cause when you were here Mason was your life and I know he is your life in heaven too.....Happy heavenly Mother's Day to the best mommy in heaven! Close
Thank you for coming to me in my dream!!! The next day I felt better than I have in a while I guess because I was able to verbally talk to you. I wish everyday that I could hear your voice, hug you, talk with you or see you in person. I miss you so much I can not even begin to describe it. The feeling that I have is like a huge hole in my heart. I know there are things around here that remind us all of you; especially Mason... he is sooo much like you. I see him being so warm hearted and compassionate.. he loves to gives hugs. He will walk up to one of us just out of the blue and say "I want a hug" and he will wrap those arms around us and give us a hug. His imagination is so much like you as well. I remember us as kids and you could always come up with some great stuff from your imagination. He does the same!!! I love to hear his stories.
There are some days when I leave mom and dad's when Mason is there and all the way home I cry... I get so overwhelmed with sadness I just cant hold it in anymore. I think about Mason not being able to hug you, kiss you or see you in person. I know between all of us here, we will keep your memory alive in Mason and he will definitely know how great a mommy you were to him.. I truly believe that he still has a part of you with him.. a part that none of us can ever begin to give him. I also think about my son not ever getting to meet you. I know that you would be someone that I would call alot since I had a baby. I know you would have such great guidance. I look at him sometimes and try my best to hold back tears but I just keep thinking that he will not ever get to be held by his ONLY AUNT!! Jennifer, I miss you so much I do not even know how to describe it anymore. Yes I have days that I am so angry but EVERYDAY I miss you. I think of you. I wish you were here in person!
Mason's 5th birthday- Mother's Day Angel / Josie Hester (Mom)
Mason's birthday, he is 5 now, another birthday without his mommy. I wish I could tell you how proud I am of the mommy you were to him while you were here. I dont know if I ever told you. I was so amazed at your gentleness and your strength. You were such a loving mommy and I know Mason was your life. You beemed when you talked about him and you were always talking about him. He was your pride and joy. And You were mine, I was so proud of you and you were such a joy to my life. Remember how others always said I treated you more special, well maybe I did because I was gonna have less time with you than Dana and DJ. Mayvbe some how it was meant from the beginning. All I know for sure is I miss you terribly now. You could always make me laugh. Mason is so much like you. He even likes mustard sandwichs, just like you! Mustard on everything! I laugh at some of the silly things he does and it makes me think of you and how you always made us laugh. Mason loves swimming just like you. He is quite a little fisherman too. He had a good time at the lake for his birthday. He just couldnt wait to grab his fishin pole and go fishin every morning. I am so glad we have him, he is where I get my strength. Without him I just dont know if I could bear it. He is a joy! Jennifer, I will always try to help Mason through the difficult times, I will aways share your memories, I will share with him how much you loved him. He will grow to be so proud that he had a mommy as wonderful as you. Your strengths will prevail through his life here and I will do all I can do to help him know what a wonderful mommy you were and how you loved him so. We all miss you in everything we do! Life here will always remain different, til we are with you again, our family is not whole. Mason's birthday, always close to Mother's Day, it is a blessing for me, helps me not focus on the pain so much....thank you my angel. Close
Easter+Family=MISSIN-G YOU! / Josie Hester (mom)
Another holiday, family comes together once again, and the pain and saddness of your absense is present among us. With laughter and tears we remember You. Everyday you are in our thoughts and hearts. WE miss you so much. Different ones shared memories of you and tears were shed . Everyone loves you so much and everyone misses you so much. Of course our hearts ache for Mason, he voices that he misses you and wants his mommy. Mason is four and will be five next month, two years without his mommy. He still doesnt understand and still thinks you will come back. I took him to the cemetary on Easter and he walked up to your headstone and rubbed his hand over your picture, as I walked up to him I could see he had tears in his eyes, my heart breaks for him, he looked at me and said " I want my mommy" All I can do is hug him and tell him I want his mommy too. I tell him she is in his heart but he doesnt understand and says , he doesnt want her there, he wants to hug her. Sometimes I think about him and how can a small child deal with such a loss, I guess its a good thing children have short attention spans, cause most of the time Mason will move on to happier things fairly quickly. He does ask more questions now and I know as he grows he will ask more. God help us to know the right things to say at the appropiate time. Mason and I colored Easter eggs on Easter morning. Dana & Jaxson & Jason was there too, along with Pawpaw & DJ. I hid the eggs and Mason and Dana & DJ hunted for them, then Mason wanted to hide them so Nanna could find them! He is so sweet! He got 2 Easter baskets, one from Nanna & Pawpaw, and one from Emmitt. Emmitt always brings him an Easter basket. I know he thinks of you, especially at Easter, so many times you cousins were together at Easter and hunted eggs and spent the day playing. I have some video of yall at Easter and it is a tearful joy to watch. So many memories, yet not enough. We all wish you were still here with us. For everyone that stops a moment to read this tribute, let me tell you- I beleive with all my heart in God. He has promised us a life of eternity with no saddness, only joy and peace. I had an experience once when we were attending church that I want to share. I was going thru things and was praying that God would touch my life and give me comfort and peace. I heard God's voice that Sunday, it was just as if he was standing right there, I went to the alter and I received that peace I was praying for. God is real and he can come into your life and give you peace, he can comfort you. If it were not for that "touch from God" I would not be able to bear this pain now. I sometimes feel very overwhelmed and God sends me small touches of the peace I was onced so blessed to recieve. I feel Jennifer"s love, her eternal love. I know she is ok. I know we all dont understand the "why" but I still believe God is in control, even though its not always what our choice would be, God has the answer, he knows all. And in our lifetime we may not know that answer, but if you ask God into your heart he will forever be there. First to believe then to have FAITH. Just as so many times we all think of Jennifer in our heart, so will God's love be. All I can tell others that feel the pain is unbearable, just trust God and give him your heart, truly believe and you too will receive peace. It is not everlasting here, this is not heaven; but someday, it will be. You see when God let his ONLY SON die on that cross, it was to give us eternal life, that is, the ones of us that TRUELY believe. I have had a child and now she has died. I "know" the pain God felt on the day that Jesus hung on that cross, and God being able to take his son down before death made the choice to let him die so we all may have eternal life. I could not have done it. It is a promise and if you believe , You too can have the promises God made us. I know in my heart Jennifer is in that "Land of Promise" - "Heaven" I know as my days here go on , there will be sad times, there will be happy times, always missing her, but always knowing- I too have the promise that God made, eternal life, to be joined in Heaven with Jennifer. Some people tell me "I'm a strong person" I dont feel strong, I just believe in God and his word, I do get strength from that. And I pray everyday for God to hold me up. Without God, it is a pain I could not bear. The song "Ten Thousand Angels Cried" is about the day Jesus dies and how God had to look away, let his only son die, so to give us the proof we all need to believe , yet still some dont believe. My heart swells with admiration for God and how strong he had to be, how much love he has for the world, all of us. The song "I Can ONLY Imagine", it is one of my favorites, and I know Jennifer is there. I do miss her. God knows my pain and he comforts me. I pray , God , touch all that hurt, give them comfort and peace. Amen. Close
This is the only place I feel like right now I can talk to you... it is really hard for me to come to the cemetary. so here goes... until I had Jaxson, I had no idea how it felt to have a baby- I know I am probably over protective but I do not know what I would do if something happened to him.. right now I still can not stand to hear him cry... it makes me hurt somewhere deep inside. I know you understand what I am trying to say... today you have been on my mind soo much... I just want to be able to talk to you and you talk back to me.. I want to hug you and tell you I love you.. I was thinking today about how everyone says that in Heaven you are happy and you have everything you could ever need... but something inside made me think about how I would feel if I was taken from Jaxson... or Jaxson taken from me... I know I would be insane.. and even since the first moment I felt him move inside of me I have had nightmares of losing him.. in several different ways but none of them were easier than the other. I know I have no idea what a parent feels like that has lost their child.. for example MOM... but I have thought long and hard about it and do not know that I would have the strength to make it. It really hit me hard today... I always think about us here on earth.. we lost you.. but how do you feel? you have your child and us too.. maybe you are in a place that is utopian and you have the answers so you understand more than us... I know Mason loves you and you love him and I know that somehow he will always feel your presence and he will definitely know what a wonderful person you were...!!! especially a mommy to him.
I wish I could bring your nephew to see you... I wish I could share his pictures with you. I wish we could just sit side by side with our sons and watch them grow and play together. I miss you and love you more than words can even begin to express.
Heaven was needing a Hero by Jo Dee Messina / Dana Green (sister)Read >>
Heaven was needing a Hero by Jo Dee Messina / Dana Green (sister)
These are sooo true!!!!!
Heaven Was Needing A Hero
I came by today to see you Oh I had to let you know If I knew the last time that I held you was the last time I'd have held you and never let go
Oh it's kept me awake nights wondering I lie in the dark asking why I've always been told you wont be called home Until it's your time
I guess Heaven was needing a hero Somebody just like you Brave enough to stand up for what you believe And follow it through When I try to make it make sense in my mind The only conclusion I come to Is Heaven was needing a hero Just like you
I remember the last time I saw you Oh you held your head up high I laughed inside when I saw how you were Standing out in the crowd You're such a part of who I am And now that part will just be void No matter how much I need you now Heaven needed you more
Cause Heaven was needing a hero Somebody just like you Brave enough to stand up for what you believe And follow it through When I try to make it make sense in my mind The only conclusion I come to Is Heaven was needing a hero That's you.
EVERYDAY, I think of you / Josie Hester (mom)Read >>
EVERYDAY, I think of you / Josie Hester (mom)
It has been 2yrs yet feels like only yesterday that you were taken away from us...there are times that it feels like a long time too...your strong presence is felt so often- yet I miss you so...everyday, EVERYDAY, I think of you...I can be in the shower, blow drying my hair, stopping at a red light, driving to Tyler, picking up groceries, cooking supper,-you are always there....everywhere I am....I think of you when I am in the presence of others, I think of you when I am alone, I think of you in every thing I do. I can carry on a conversation with others and have you in my thoughts at the same time. I think of what it would be like if you were still here...the changes around us, Mason, Dana's new baby, Jaxson, and how thrilled you would be for her & Jason, how you would cuddle Jaxson and want another baby yourself. I know you would !! You said you wanted another baby someday, "a little girl." You wanted to teach her to "dance"...when I see that video that Leann Womack does with her little girls, I always think of you...I know that every word of that song is how you felt about life....your life here had just barely begun and then you were gone. I cant say I understand "why" and I want to believe with all my heart that God has rewarded you with so much peace and happiness that it is so worth what we have to endure here for you to be there, but I can say -its the hardest thing I have ever had to try to accept. So many lives affected, so many still grieve, so many still cry, so many still miss you so much....forever everyone will. As our lives here continue on, You are still so much a part of us, in all we do....you live in heaven now but in our hearts and souls here. Our memories are the most precious thing we have, we cherish all that you were and all that you are....my little girl, always daddy's baby, your sister's "little sister", your brother's "big sister", Mason's mommy, and Paul's love. We all miss you so much.. Close
2 years today that we lost Jennifer to a cowardly hit and run. 2 years.. such a short time, such a long time, and yet time standing still. unless you have lost a sibling, I am sure you will not understand my thoughts, grief, emotions, or anything else about me. Jennifer is my only sister!! She will never be replaced, she will never be here on earth with me again to share in the sister stuff!! My past, my present , my future is all changed due to the events of the night of Feb 12, 2005... One night... such a change!! such pain, such hurt, depression, lost, half missing... even to try to think back to memories.. it is not the same... I do not have anyone here to agree with the memories of our childhood like Jennifer would.
Multitude of emotions... well lets see... today- the day before my husband's birthday, 2 days before valentines and a month or so to the birth of my first child.. a son... I spent today putting together a book of "memories" - newspaper clippings, pictures, obituaries, dried flowers, pieces of paper from the funeral, watching the Memory video that my mother had made for us, and on and on... all because of the events this day 2 years ago!! Instead of being able to pick up the phone to call my sister, or remember that also 2 years ago this day, my husband and I spent the very 1st night in our house that we designed and had built for our life together... to spend today making my husband's birthday or our last valentine without our son here very special... I spend my day trying to not cry, not lose my mind, not be angry, try to see the "good" outcome, "feel blessed that Jennifer is an angel that is looking down on our family". Well ya know we are blessed but today it is really hard to feel blessed! Today as I said before, is the 2 year anniversary of a devastating event to my family that has changed our perspective on life 110%!! I sit and wonder about the creep that was driving the truck the night my sister lost her life... what is he doing today... does he recall what today is... does he care... Of course, he can tell anyone that he wants that "he did not know he run over my sister" or whatever other lies that he wants to spout out of his mouth... but just how many squirrels have you run over and not known that you ran over them? Well, guess what... my sister weighed more than 5 pounds therefore, noone will ever make me believe he did not know he run over her... maybe he did not mean tooo... okay I can accept that... but to have lied for 2 years... now that is a bit much!
2 years... as I said before... a long time, short time and time that has stood still... until you lose a sibling... you will not ever understand.
your family / Kari Grogan (friend)
when i think of mason and paul and your mom, sister, daddy and dj my heart breaks. paul is doing sooo great and is just taking such good care of y'alls son. being two years is just unbelievable to me. so much i need to tell you. you would be so proud. i am passing algebra! remember all of our talks about how i am mentally impaired when it comes to those stupid classes! i will be teaching soon and i know you would be cheering me on. when i read what your momma wrote about how we cry for ourselves, it made so much sense. i think about mason and how paul must just want to tell you everything that he is doing. i know you are proud of everyone and so excited for dana jo, but girl it's just not the same with you not here. kendra misses you so much. she too has so much to tell you. i remember when she started teaching she wanted to tell you about her career change. we all miss you and love you. before you left you and i were not spending as much time together and i just hate that now. there is a place in my living room that you stood at, the last time you were here. you had on a pink jogging type suit and you were on a break from class. i can't remember you phone number and things like that bother really bad. i have not gone to see you in almost one year! i can't explain why, i just haven't . i bought you a present at christmas time to bring out to you and i just never did. but even though i am not out there, you are on my mind everyday. with dana jo having a baby soon it hurts me more that you can't be there for her. i was in the bank last week and for a brief second the teller looked just like you, and my heart skipped a beat. wanted to turn her into you, just imagine all the grief that would not be here if you were her. Close
"I cry for the living" / Josie Hester (Mom)Read >>
"I cry for the living" / Josie Hester (Mom)
It will soon be February, and I am not sure how we will deal with it. I know we should rejoice in your heavenly birthday but it is too soon to not feel the heaviness of the pain that surrounds that day. I do think of God's promise of eternal peace and love. I know in my heart you are in a wonderful place and that " I can only imagine" at how truly wonderful it really is. Jenn, I do cry lots, but it seems now the tears are for us, the living, "I cry for the living" . I heard a song that had those words, and it has made me think a lot about you and how its really the ones of us still here that the tears should be for , You were an Angel here and I know you are one of God's Angels now..I know in my heart you are ok. But Mason...your little boy will never have 'his mommy" in his daily life, he will forever have you in his heart- but he feels your absense EVERYDAY. He misses you and he doesn't really understand...every week-end he tells me at some point -"I want my mommy" and I know he really does. My heart breaks for him," my tears are for him". I had you for 26 years, he had you for just over 2. He is doing good and Paul has become the "daddy" Mason so much needs and deserves. I am happy that he has made Mason his priority and has bonded with him as a" loving & fun dad". I know Paul respects the mother you were and all that you wanted for Mason. I know you can see this and you are pleased. We all want Mason to have a wonderful life, but I know we will never be able to fill that " empty spot" in Mason's heart. We will love him, we will share your life with him -but it wont ever be the same. We all have to go on here without you and our hearts ache with sadness, but its because of what we miss- YOU. I know God's eternity is just a breath away, but until then- we will "cry for the living". Jenn , we will always miss you, we will always think of you, we will always remember you, we will always love you. FOREVER. Close
An Incredible ANGEL! / Josie Hester (mom)
My baby, I miss you so much! I have not been on this site in awhile cause I've not had my computer up, but now I do and so let me put you at the top of my "things to do". You are always in my thoughts, daily! Regardless of whether I visit this site I am always thinking of you! You are greatly missed . The holidays came and we all missed you but everyone managed to get through it, our little Mason is our total strength! He is my reason to get up each day. When I lay down at nite I always think of you, when I get up each morning you are always my first thought, another day I wont see you, I cry, sometimes I feel you, I know you send me peace, but I long to hug you. As much as I love Mason its still not enough. Jennifer, after 30 + years of living on Bryan St. your Dad finally gave in and moved us. You were always on him about that!!! its kinda funny, remembering when you got a glimpse of his year's wages and you asked him, "why do we not live at the country club?" You were totally amazed at his income! and could not understand why we werent living in a big brick home!! well , its not the country club , but it is a big brick home!! And I have included you in every room, a part of you is in every room!!! Mason absolutely loves it here. He does not want to go back to the "old house". He has been riding his bicycle more and loves the space. I know he'll like it even more in the summer when he can play outside more. He helped his pawpaw clean outside and I bought him some gloves like pawpaw's cause he had to have some!!! He is a joy to love! I see so much of you in him! And we see Paul too!!! He is growing so fast, he is so smart and so sweet!!! He had a Christmas program at his pre-school and he has your love for music.He sings very good, got his mommy's genes!!! I wish that I could hear your sweet voice, I can hear your songs in my head but its still not the same. "Not the same" has become a part of us, never again will things be as before, only when we are joined eternally will things be ok. People around us, family, friends, their lives keep changing and mine seems to stand still. I see Mason growing , changing, but I still feel the very pain I felt that day, the day you left our life. Time keeps going on and some days I just feel so lost, so alone, so sad. Others are ok, not great but ok. I know when we first lost you I felt a real despiration to keep your life more than a memory, Alive and living. But Ive come to realize death only takes away the physical, the joy of your being is very much alive. We all still cry when we talk of you and verbalize a memory, but its because we still want you here. I know in my heart You deserve to be in heaven and all that God has promised is yours now, but I cant help but miss you and I still want you here with me. God has an incredible Angel there with him! I Miss you, I love you with all my heart. Mom Close
Can you see the change in me? It may not be so obvious to you I participate in family activities. I attend family reunions. I help plan holiday meals. You tell me you're glad to see that I don't cry anymore. But I do cry! When everyone has gone - when it is safe- the tears fall. I cry in privacy so my family won't worry. I cry until I am exhausted and can finally sleep.
You tell me you admire my strength and my positive attitude. But I am not strong, I feel that I have lost control; and I panic when I think about tomorrow.... next week.... next year.
I go about the routine of my job. I complete my assigned tasks. I drink coffee and smile. You tell me you are glad to see I'm "over" the death of my loved one. But I'm not "over" it. If I get over it, I will be the same as before my loved one died. I will never be the same.
At times I think I am beginning to heal, but the pain of losing someone I loved so much has left a permanent scar on my heart. I visit my neighbors. You tell me that you're glad to see I'm holding up so well. But I'm not holding up well. Sometimes I want to lock the door and hide from the world. I spend time with my friends, I seem calm and collected. I smile when appropriate.
You tell me it's good to see me back to my "old self" But I will never be back to my "old self". Death and grief, have touched my life.... and I am changed forever.
Holidays!!!!/ Dana Green (sister)
They are fast approaching... anxiety, dread, tears, heavy heart... this is what I feel with each holiday that comes on. I don't know how to get passed this. I keep telling myself it will get better but it doesn't. It just gets harder. I guess I am just selfish. I want you here!! I want the creep that took you from us to feel just 1/10th of the pain that we feel. Ironically, we were always taught that the holidays were about family gatherings, sharing, giving (no matter how much aggravation and ridicule we received, ha.ha.) but now my holidays are surrounded with grief, sadness, emptiness, and hostility.
Sometimes I wish that we could just remove the holidays and have a regular day. Then again what is a regular day now?? But then I think about Mason. He deserves to have the holidays; he deserves to be showered with the attention, the family togetherness that we had in our lives. He deserves to hear the stories of you and dad racing on foot down the road and back with everyone cheering you both on... of course, you always said you would win because you were "younger and more fit" and dad said "he was young and fit and could win too"... you too were so hardheaded. Dad outside waiting for you in the middle of the road, family along the side of the road, at the start and finish line, and you inside changing clothes, because of course you had to look your best for thanksgiving... you had on a skirt and those high heels... so now you have changed into clothes that are falling off you because they are not yours, you have on someone elses tennis shoes and both of you are ready!! Off you both go... what a shocker... dad won... here come the excuses... and reasons why he won... everybody laughing...
Now that you are gone... there is not anymore of this... you were one of a kind that will never be replaced. the way you made everyone laugh... your theatrical shows... your strength... Jennifer, I miss you sooo much. I love you. Happy Thanksgiving. Close
your birthday / Kari Grogan (friend)
Well this is the second birthday that you have not been here. Today has been a sad day for lots of people. I want to take you out for dinner and dancing and I want you to do kareoke for me! You are the only friend I ever had that was that much fun, that put up with me and always was ready to talk or listen to me ramble. It's hard not having you here. And days like today are awful. I would do anything to receive a call from you today. I read what your sweet momma wrote about Mason calling for you when he was sick and I was done in for after that. You need to be here for your big 28, I so want to tease you for getting old, it's just not fair... love you soooooooo much and so does all of your family and all of your friends. you always had lots of them. love ya girl Close
Happy Birthday! / Josie Hester (mom)
Its your birthday, and today as we think of you,there will be moments that we will cry because we miss you. There will be moments we may smile and even laugh as we think about some of the times we shared. You always could make us laugh, sometimes even when you were not even trying, afterall you were a blonde. You did many silly things that made us all laugh, remember when you raced Dad down the road on foot and actually thought you'd beat him, only to be totally out of breath and not to mention ,you did lose. You were just totally in shock that your "old dad" still had it in him...I remember laughing so hard....I think you were about 20 and dad was in his 40"s...yall even made bets on who would win!! There was many happy moments that included you and now everything we do we feel an emptiness because you are not here to share it. The other day Mason was sick and not feeling good and he began to cry, telling me "I want my mommy" I hugged him and told him I wanted his mommy too, I told him you were in his heart and Jennifer, he looked at me and told me he didnt want you in his heart, he wanted to" kiss you." That was very hard cause I realized right then that he remembered the kisses you gave him, he did actually " still remember you and his heart was hurting." Kisses from Nana just dont measure up to mommy kisses. My heart breaks to know he has those moments and he hurts. I try very hard to comfort him but I know there are moments he dont understand and misses you so. We all miss you. But today we all will try to think of you with joy in our heart because of all the love you gave to us. You are a part of our past but also you are our future, to know someday I can hold you in my arms and see your smile is what helps me cope. I know many people will think of you today, your birthday. I will always remember the day you were laid in my arms, so beautiful and sweet. You were a gift from heaven Today I send you kisses up to heaven where you have returned. I wait for the day I will join you. May God wrap his arms about you and hug you for me. Happy Birthday Jennifer! I love you, my angel. Close
Your 28th Birthday... the second one without you here. / Dana Jo (Sister)Read >>
Your 28th Birthday... the second one without you here. / Dana Jo (Sister)
Jennifer, Tomorrow you would have been 28 years old and I find myself feeling very different as your birthday approaches this year as I have before. I am very sad but also very angry. I want to tell all those people that "time will heal the pain" that they lied. I have found that time only erases the shock and has thrown me into the reality that my only sister has been taken from me. My beautiful nephew has to be subjected to explanations of heaven, angels, and that his mommy is in his heart when he is crying that he "wants his mommy" or when he asks where you are. Our mother is devastated; our brother is still having difficulty expressing his feelings (ya know he has to be the adult) and our dad has to be the dad. He has to be the one that holds everything together; and Jason has to be my strength so that I can be the strength for mom, dad, DJ and Mason. Because of one person's immature, cowardly act an entire family has been affected. We have all changed. I would do anything just to hear your voice, see your face or hug you. I miss you more than I can even begin to describe. I think alot about how I will ever do you justice... by describing you to Mason and your nephew (to be born in March). When I think about it, we do not have near enough pictures, videos, tapes, etc... Everyone says to "remember the memories, that is what they are for"... Every memory that I have is of you and I as kids. I will not ever get to add to that list. When I think of the memories I still feel guilty for the way I treated you at times, I regret not having the closeness that we had the last few years thru our whole life. I regret not hugging you enough or telling you that I love you near enough. I am sorry everyday because I can not come to the cemetary that often. From the moment that I pull into the driveway of the cemetary I have a horrible time keeping myself together; I can not hardly take coming out there. It is devastating for me. I know for some it helps but not for me .... I dont have the answer... maybe it is the realization... I know that I have found myself drowning myself in work at times to keep from having to go home by myself, or on days that I am emotional. The work seems to keep me distracted and grounded. I know, this is not the right thing but it is my way for now.
Jennifer, I guess I am trying to say I love you and miss you more than words could ever express. I am trying to find ways to deal with the feelings that I am having. Please spread your wings and surround us tomorrow as I know we will all need it.
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